the reason
by Brandywine421
Summary: Follows season 6 of BTVS and season 3 of Angel with a strong focus on Xander and Wesley
1. chapter1

"If there's a better place you can take me   
A better life you give me   
Whatever place I can start all over   
And I will never need what you gave me   
And never need you to save me   
And never feel like this life is over…"

"…Or maybe I'm the reason why you cry at night   
before you sleep…"

            ----Limp Bizkit

            Wesley doesn't recognize the sound the first two times.  A ringing phone.  In his house.  He jumps up, anxious to stop the noise and quickly picks up the phone, upsetting an old glass of whiskey.

            "Yes?" Wesley asks, his voice like gravel.

            "I'm looking for Wesley Wyndham-Pryce…" A man's voice replies, distantly.

            "Why?" Wesley asks, honestly curious.

            "Wesley.  It's Xander Harris.  From Sunnydale."

            "Xander?" Wesley questions, remembering the boy clearer than anything else in recent weeks.  Alcohol and darkness have come to live with Wesley in recent months.

            "Yeah.  What's up?  You're hard to find and almost dead from what I hear," Xander states.

            "True.  Nothing's up except hearing from you.  Why on earth are you calling me?" Wesley asks, sitting down on his hard floor in a puddle of Jack Daniels.

            "I tracked you down.  I have some information about Angel.  I wanted to talk to you before…" Xander starts.

            "Why me?" Wesley interrupts.  

            "I…a lot of things have changed in Sunnydale.  I know things now, things that no one else does.  I see things…" Xander's voice lacks his usual confidence.  

            "What kind of things, Xander, visions or something?" 

            "Something like that.  I know what happened out there with Angel and you guys…I saw it…well, I…sort of…I just know what happened, Wes," Xander says.

            Wesley believes him.  "What's happened in Sunnydale?"

            "Well.  A lot.  Willow's catatonic.  Buffy and I are both working two jobs to keep Dawn in school and Will in therapy.  Anya and Giles are in England.  And I have new tricks to stop apocalypses," Xander sums up.

            "I'm sorry, Xander, I had no idea," Wes replies.

            "I'm sure there are apocalypses in L.A., too, Wesley.  We're all alive.  So are you."

            "What did you call about again?  You wanted to talk to me about Angel?"  Wesley is startled.

            "Did you know Angel was missing?  He disappeared a few weeks ago.  Cordelia, too," Xander says, his voice faltering slightly.

            "Cordy?"

            "Oh, she's fine, Wesley…she's in a better place…no…hang on a sec…" The line goes dull in Wesley's ear.  He hears a loud crash.  "Okay, I'm back."

            "Everything okay?" Wesley finds himself asking.

            "Just a little broken glass, spilled blood…normal thing around here…anyway, what I was saying…" Xander says, his voice distant.  

            "Why are you calling me about Angel?  We're not…friends anymore," Wesley states.

            "I know.  I know what you did and why you did it.  Distance brings clarity, so I don't exactly understand the betrayal Angel and the others felt for you, but I felt their pain and yours.  Besides, I have to make this right and you're the only person I know in L.A. anymore.  Will you help me?"

            "Xander…" Wesley starts.

            "Somebody has to save Angel."

            "I'll give you my address," Wesley sighs.

            "Wesley, once I get there, we're going to have to go to the Hyperion.  Are you going to be ready for that?" 

            "We'll talk once you get here," Wesley replies.


	2. chapter2

***

            "Dawn's with me, I hope that's okay, Wesley," Xander says when Wesley swings open the door to his apartment a few hours later.  

            Wesley is shocked by the younger man's appearance.  He is painfully thin and pale.

            "Xander…you're looking…" Wesley starts.

            "Alive.  You too."

            "Why'd you bring Dawn?  She's just a child," Wesley questions.

            Xander flushes slightly.  "I told you how I see…and know things?  Well, it doesn't come without side effects."

            Dawn appears beside Xander and slips a set of car keys into his pocket.  "Hi, Wesley."

            "Dawn," Wesley nods, motioning them inside.

            "Xander can't drive so well anymore.  He spaces out too much," Dawn says, once inside.  

            "I have this weird thing where I can sense people's emotions and traumas…I get them in flashes…pain, pleasure, love and depression…it bombards me…" Xander's face is pained but focused.

            "What happened to you?"  Wesley asks, stricken by Xander's emotional anguish.  

            "Long story…it upsets him," Dawn says, quietly, sitting beside him protectively.

            "Things got kind of messed-up…but we saved the world and only a few people died…" Xander says, flatly.  "Dawn?"

            "Okay, Xander.  Wesley, you have a bathroom?"  Dawn knows what Xander is asking by only a glance at his face.

            Wesley points to a nearby door.  "Over there."

            "Just a little for now, Xander, okay?" Dawn calls, as Xander stands up.

            "Drinking makes the voices quieter," Xander says to Wesley, quietly revealing a flask.

            "There has to be something else," Wesley replies.

            "Pain…" Dawn says, as Xander walks away.  "Stay focused in there, okay?"

            "Thanks," He says, absently as he closes the door behind him.

            Once Xander is inside the bathroom, Dawn turns to Wesley.

            "Sometimes the flashes paralyze him so much that to make them stop, he'll…he'll hurt himself.  He's punched concrete walls, sliced his arms, anything to distract him from the voices.  He handles it pretty well most of the time but…it takes it's toll."

            "What kind of flashes, Dawn?" 

            "They're not really flashes, we don't know what they are.  He knows things…he knows about my life before Sunnydale, he knows about you and Angel, Connor and Lorne, he just knows things.  He's like an antennae for some kind of psychic frequency," Dawn replies.

            Wesley is stunned.

            "He's okay, though.  He takes care of us," Dawn adds.

            Xander returns, looking more comfortable.  "Wesley.  You look worse than me and that's very sad."

            "From what Dawn says, you know why," Wesley replies, cautious.

            "Yes.  It sucks.  But you deserve forgiveness.  Everyone does.  I'm not Angel's biggest fan but…I've already sent him to hell once and I don't want to have that on my conscious again…it shouldn't be on yours either," Xander says, taking a generous gulp of whiskey.

            "Where is Angel?" Wesley asks.

            "First, we need to see Gunn and Fred.  Are you up for that?" Xander asks, trembling slightly.

            "Is it necessary?" Wesley replies after a beat.

            "Yes.  If it gets too ugly, too tense…I won't be able to handle it anyway…so let's make this easy for everyone and get it over with." 


	3. chapter3

***

            At the Hyperion, Wesley and Dawn flank Xander as they enter the hotel.

            "Can we help you?"  Gunn asks, in the shadows above them with a crossbow.

            "We know where Angel is," Xander says.  He waits a few seconds.  "Wesley is here because I trust him.  This is Dawn and I'm…"

            "Xander Harris from Sunnydale…what happened to you?" Fred's voice chirps from nearby.

            "The Hellmouth.  Will you help us?"

            "Why should we believe you?" Gunn questions, still wary.

            "Because I'm telling the truth," Xander replies, staggering slightly from exhaustion.  Dawn automatically steadies him.

            Fred leads Gunn into the lobby.  

            "Is he okay?" Fred asks Dawn.

            "He doesn't sleep much…it gets to him sometimes…come on, Xander…" 

            Wesley realizes that Xander's eyes have glazed over.  He allows himself to be led to the sofa.  He is unresponsive but sits down, obediently.

            "Xander?  Xander, focus, remember?"  Dawn tries to get through to her friend.  

            "Huh?  Oh yeah."  Xander's face shows clarity.

            "What are you guys trying to pull?"  Gunn demands.

            "Xander has some sort of gift…he knows things and he knows where Angel is," Wesley says, speaking for the first time.

            "Cordelia's fine.  She's not with Angel, but she's okay…" Xander announces, his eyes on Fred.

            "Where is she?" Gunn asks.

            "She's all around you.  She's just not…tangible anymore.  She's always around, though," Xander replies.

            "What about Angel?" Gunn asks, hoping for a more definite answer.

            Xander's eyelids flutter.  He turns to Dawn.  "Can you tell them?" 

            "Sure, Xan…" Dawn leads him to a sofa a few feet away.  He curls up, shaking.

            "He gets really tired around a lot of people."  Dawn huddles with Wesley, Gunn and Fred.

            "Okay, I don't know you guys so don't get mad if I'm inconsiderate to your feelings.  I'm just the messenger from Xander to you," Dawn says.

            "It's cool.  I think everything needs to be overlooked until we find Angel," Gunn says, suddenly, glancing at Wesley.

            "Okay.  This is what Xander told me.  Angel's son, Connor or Stevie, whatever, thinks that Angel killed his foster father, Holtz.  In reality, this red-headed chick…"

            "Justine," Wesley gasps.

            "Yeah," Dawn nods.  "Justine killed Holtz with a knife, making two little incisions so it looked like a vampire killing.  Connor wanted revenge so he and Justine trapped Angel in this steel coffin and dropped him into the ocean.  Angel's at the bottom of the sea."

***


	4. chapter4

Several minutes later, no one has spoken.

            Xander sits up, suddenly.  "Wait.  This is not the time to panic," He says, walking over to them.  He is shaking uncontrollably but his eyes are alert.

            "Nobody's panicking, Xander," Dawn says.

            Xander seems shaken.  "Oh, good.  Don't worry, everything's under control.  Can I make a phone call?"  

            Fred shows him where the phone is and returns to the pale group.

            "Does he have a plan?" Wesley asks, quietly.

            "I hope so," Dawn replies.  

            "Buffy?" Xander says, as he hears a click.

            "Hey, Xander," Buffy replies with a sigh.

            "What's wrong?" Xander asks, the tone of her voice speaking louder than any of his gifts.

            "You need to come home," Buffy says, finally, after a long pause.

            "What's wrong with Willow?"  Xander asks, a wave of pain washing through him.  

            "She won't eat…when she saw you leave last night she freaked out, she thinks you're not coming back…that you're in some sort of trouble and I can't get her to stop crying," Buffy rambles, tears in her voice.

            "Buffy…put the phone in her hand, okay?  Let me talk to her, okay?"

            "Can't you just come home?" Buffy replies.

            "I would, Buffy…I can't leave until I've finished this stuff up…" Xander has to hold on to the desk to keep from collapsing.  "It's important."

            "More important than Willow?" Buffy asks.

            "Buffy, stop," Xander says.

            "You're not going to tell me what's going on?"

            "You told me not to tell you unless I couldn't fix it…I need one more night, Buffy, so let me talk to Willow…" Xander is torn.

            "Xander, I'm sorry…Xander?"  Buffy seems to sense that she has pushed him too far.  

            Xander has closed his eyes and is gripping the counter tightly.

            "Here's Willow, Xander," Buffy says.

            "Willow?  It's Xander on the phone," Buffy says, distantly.

            "Xander?"  Willow's sob-choked voice is quiet.

            "Hey, Will…what's all the crying about?  When I left, you wouldn't even talk to me and now I hear you're crying about me?"  Xander's voice is forced and playful.  The change is so drastic that Fred and Wesley approach him.

            "Xander, I'm sorry, please come back, don't leave me, I'll be better…" Willow sobs.

            "I didn't leave because of you, Willow, I swear…I have some errands to run out of town…" Xander replies.

            "Xander…"

            "Willow, I am coming back…" Xander starts, pausing as Dawn comes up behind him.    "I promise, sweetie, and I'll bring you something real nice but I need you to stop crying and be nice to Buffy…"

            "You're really coming back?" Willow has calmed slightly.

            "Promise.  Now stop crying and give Buffy a hug," Xander says, trembling as Dawn puts her hand on his shoulder.

            Buffy's voice comes on the phone.  "Thanks, Xander…is Dawn okay?"

            "She's right here, hang on," Xander hands the phone to Dawn and steps away.

            "Willow doesn't know about your new gifts?" Wesley questions, helping the exhausted young man to the sofa.

            "Willow has had a complete emotional breakdown.  She won't even dress herself."  Xander exhales.  "She's getting better, but it's a long process."

            Dawn hangs up the phone. "Okay, Xander.  Buffy wants you to call her when we get back for the night."

            "Do you have a plan?" Gunn questions.

            "Are the cars out front?" Xander replies.

            "Yes, Gunn's truck and your car," Wesley replies, curiously.

            "One more thing," Xander starts.

            Lorne steps into the hotel, brushing off his suit.

            "Lorne!" Fred embraces him, excited.  "How'd you know we needed you?" 

            "Xander Harris called.  Said there was a vampire in trouble," Lorne replies, hugging her back.  "It's good to see you."

            "Let's go."  Xander pulls himself to his feet, swaying slightly.

            "Xander Harris?"  Lorne stretches out his hand as Xander approaches him.

            "You are really green," Xander smiles, shaking his hand.

            Lorne gasps as he releases his hand.  "Damn, kid, you've got a lot of power in there…you're a seer?"

            "I don't know…" Xander catches a glance between Lorne and Wesley.

            "Wesley is here because I trust him.  Angel's going to need everyone if he's going to make it through this…" Xander's eyes glaze suddenly and he stops mid-sentence.  

            "There's too many people here," Dawn realizes.  "He gets flashes from everyone he's near and all the stress here…" She tries to hold him upright.  Lorne and Wesley help her hold up his faltering body.

            "Xander!" Dawn calls, sternly.  He seems to snap out of it, shaking his head.

            "Sorry…" He says, putting a hand to his head.  He turns to Lorne, standing on his own now.

            "Did you find those Peprimda demons we talked about?" Xander asks.

            "Peprimda?  Water demons?" Wesley questions.

            "Yeah.  Strong as hell and breathe underwater.  Perfect thing to get a steel coffin off the ocean floor.  Ike and Trina are in the car," Lorne nods.

            "Okay.  Let's head for the docks."  Xander leads the group out of the hotel and into the night.  


	5. chapter5

Lorne, Gunn, Fred and the two Peprimda demons wait for Xander, Dawn and Wes beside a rented boat.  

            "What do you think about this kid, Lorne?" Gunn asks, suddenly.

            Lorne sighs.  "I think he knows where Angel is.  He's haunted and damn scary, but I think he's on our side."

            "Cordelia told me about him sometimes.  I wonder what happened in Sunnydale to make him this way," Fred says, quietly.

            "Whoa," Ike, one of the demons, interrupts. "Are you guys talking about the Slayer's friend?  Harris?"

            "Yeah, what do you know about it?" Gunn questions.

            "Just that the Slayer's witch friend lost it a few months back when her lover was murdered.  She went psychotic and almost destroyed the world but the Harris guy stepped into her channel of power and snapped her out of it," Trina, the other demon explains, excited.  "They say power just oozes out of him, that he's a magnet for psychic energy.  That's the guy we're helping?  I'll have to get an autograph…"

            "No wonder the kid's a little shaky," Gunn says, quietly.

            "He should be dead.  A mortal isn't meant to hold such power," Ike adds.  "He's a walking miracle.  They say he's a sign that the laws are malleable, that things are changing."

            Xander's car pulls into the parking lot.  

            "Sorry we're late…the closer we got to the ocean…" Dawn starts, pausing as Xander darts away into a darkened corner of the marina.  "…the sicker Xander got…"

            "He sounds really sick," Fred says, hearing the sounds.

            "We can't talk him out of going.  He says we have to get Angel tonight," Dawn says.  

            Xander returns from the alley, looking better.  "Okay.  Sorry for the vomiting, are we ready?"

            "What did you do?" Dawn demands, surprising everyone.  She notices him cradling his arm under his jacket.  She pushes the jacket out of the way to reveal his crushed hand.

            "It's nothing, Dawn.  Look at me," Xander says, soothingly, calming her with his placid brown eyes.  "I have to save something for the boat ride…come on," Xander warns the others from confronting him with a glance.  

            "How exactly are we going to find him?" Gunn asks, helping Fred onto the deck. 

            "I can feel him.  I can find him.  Can you guys dive?" Xander asks Ike and Trina.

            "Our specialty.  You tell us where and what and we'll bring it up for you, sir," Ike bows toward Xander, awed.

            "Gunn?  I need you and Wes to get those bags from the backseat of my car…and no arguing please, tonight is about finding Angel."  Xander has started to shake again.

            "It's not working," Dawn whispers, only Fred hearing her. 

            "What?"

            "He hurts himself because it distracts him from the flashes but he's already shaking again…I think he's feeling Angel and you guys too much…I think we should have told Buffy…" Dawn says to Fred.

            "You didn't tell the Slayer?  Buffy?" Lorne questions, hearing their conversation.

            "Things are really hard in Sunnydale.  Xander and Buffy bust their asses…he said he could handle it…" Dawn starts.

            "Dawn.  I can handle this.  Buffy doesn't need the stress and I don't trust Willow with anyone else.  Now.  Let's go find Angel," Xander finishes, turning to them.  

            "Blood.  You're bringing blood on board?" Gunn questions, dropping the bags beside of Wesley's.

            "Angel hasn't eaten since he disappeared.  He's on the bottom of the ocean, starving to death…do you know how quiet it is on the bottom of the ocean?  It's deafening…" Xander's voice trails off.  

            "I'll drive," Gunn volunteers.  Wesley follows him to the back of the boat.

            "Are you sure you aren't pushing it, Xander?" Dawn asks, quietly.

            "I promise.  I'm fine.  Will you go tell Gunn to head east?" Xander reassures her with a hug.

            "The kid's right, Xander.  You're in no shape for this.  The closer we get to Angel, the worse you're going to get," Lorne says, once Dawn is out of earshot.

            "He's not dead…well…at least not spiritually…anyway…I won't break down until Angel is out of the water…I have his voice…he's in my head, Lorne, and I have to make him quiet…" Xander explains, his attention somewhere else.

            Wesley returns to Xander's side.  "Your eyes, Xander…" Wesley says, realizing that one of Xander's eyes is turning icy blue.

            "It's okay…it happens when the pain gets bad."  Xander reaches out and takes Lorne's arm.  "Can you help me to the front…I can't see so well…"

            Wesley helps Lorne lead Xander to the front of the boat where Ike and Trina are watching the water.  

            "Wes.  Don't let Dawn see that I'm blind," Xander says, quietly.

            "Blind?" Wesley asks, startled.

            "Just temporarily, I promise…it's happened before but she doesn't know…" Xander says.

            "Are we close?" Ike asks.

            Xander gasps, paling.  "We're there."

            Gunn shuts off the engines and drops the anchor into the ocean.

            Xander sits down on deck, cradling his head but still focused.

            "Lorne?"  Xander calls.

            "Right here."

            "Tell Ike and Trina that he's right underneath us…his feet are under the sand but the top half of the coffin is sticking out…there's a plant beside him, " Xander says, his voice hoarse.

            "Xander?" Dawn is beside him, concerned. 

            "Dawn…in the bags we brought…one of them has a blue bag inside it…its blood from a slayer…"

            "Buffy?" Fred questions, startled.

            "No…Faith…long story…will you get it, Dawn?" Xander replies.

            "Are you alright?"  Dawn doesn't move.  There's a splash as the demons jump overboard.

            "I've been better…get the blood for Angel and give it to Gunn."  

            Dawn sighs, but obeys.  

            "Xander, you aren't looking so good…" Fred whispers.

            "Wait…" He clenches and unclenches his mangled hand, blood dripping from the scraped knuckles.  "They've found him…they're bringing him up…Wesley, Lorne, left side and help them…"

            Fred waits for Dawn to return to Xander's quaking form.

            "Fred?   Sit here with me…you shouldn't see him right now…" Fred sits down beside Xander and Dawn joins them.

            "Xander?" Dawn asks, concerned.

            "Yeah?" Xander replies, both his eyes crystal blue.

            "What do you need?"

            "Tell me what you want to go shopping for tomorrow," Xander replies, his voice dreamlike.  

            Dawn realizes that Xander needs the distraction from his psychic bombardment and begins to talk about the good stores in L.A.  Fred catches on and enthusiastically helps Dawn discuss shopping as the demons and men haul the steel coffin on board.  

            "Xander?" Wesley calls.

            "First give him some blood…he's starving and…he can't keep the demon under control with the hunger…" Xander replies, calling across the distance. He opens his eyes and they have returned to brown.

            There is growling from Angel's coffin.

            "It's okay, buddy, we're all friends here," Lorne coaxes, squeezing a bag of blood through the mesh covering.  

            "Ugh," Dawn frowns, hearing the slurping sounds.  

            "He needs more…he's too weak…he doesn't believe that he's up from the water…give him another one…" Xander's eyes are glazed slightly.

            Lorne squeezes another bag into the box.  "Can't we get him out of there?"

            "He's insane from the hunger…he's coming around…" Xander replies.

            There is coughing as Angel starts to cough the water out of his lungs.  "Lorne?" He asks, in a whisper.

            "Yeah, buddy, you okay in there?"

            "Connor?" Angel croaks.

            "Give him the blue bag," Xander says.

            "We'll explain everything in a little while…here's some more juice for you…" Lorne evades.

            "Slayer's blood…" Angel drinks it, thirstily.

            Xander's head has started to loll to the side, resting on Dawn's shoulder.

            "In a box…in a box in the ocean…in a box…" Angel mutters.

            "Get him out…show him you're real…he's too tired to fight you…Dawnie?" Xander calls, distantly.

            "Right here, Xander," She answers. 

            "Shopping at noon…promise…" Xander manages before his eyes fall shut.  

            Dawn makes sure he is still breathing and pulls his head against her, protective as Gunn starts to weld open the steel coffin.

***


End file.
